


Soothe My Soul

by hazelandglasz



Series: Tumblr Glee Ficlets [53]
Category: Glee
Genre: Accidental Stimulation, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Bars and Pubs, Crack, Gen, M/M, Restaurants, Sex Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:48:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21594067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazelandglasz/pseuds/hazelandglasz
Summary: Can I prompt Kurt wearing the wireless vibratory in public, and Blaine finding the remote, and trying to figure out what it does?✥ for some reason i thought it would be fun to wear a wireless vibrator in public, but now i’ve lost the remote (option a. i know we don’t know each other well, but please help me find it before someone else does! or b. you’ve found it and are trying to figure out what it does)
Relationships: Blaine Anderson & Wes, Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel, Kurt Hummel & Santana Lopez
Series: Tumblr Glee Ficlets [53]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1505567
Comments: 4
Kudos: 102





	Soothe My Soul

**Author's Note:**

> oh my god
> 
> I can’t stop laughing--and thinking about this scene in “The Ugly Truth” so let me paraphrase around it, hm?

As far as bad ideas go, this is probably--

Scratch that, this is  _ definitely _ Kurt’s worst idea ever.

Why, oh why, did he let Santana Lopez, of all people, trick him into being led into wearing a  [ wireless vibrating device ](https://www.dhgate.com/product/mini-bullet-heated-g-spot-vibrator-wireless/410906480.html#seo=WAP) in public?

For a dinner?

With his father and stepmother?!

Actually, the bad idea started the moment he agreed to share an apartment with her, but that is so beyond the point now that it is but a distant memory.

The point is… It’s a little difficult to focus on what the point is with that vibrator up his butt, but the point is that he should really work on not giving up his sanity simply because Santana utters the words “you’ve become boring, Hummel”.

Famous last words.

Luckily, nowhere in their bet did Kurt say that he would turn the vibrator on while in public--what he decides to do once he’s home is entirely between him and Bruce the Arm Boyfriend.

Kurt goes to tap his pocket, to feel the remote there and congratulate himself on finding a loophole on a bet with Santana Lopez, but his blood turns cold just as his father waves at him across the restaurant.

Because his pocket?

Is empty.

As he walks toward his father, Kurt has only one thought.

Well, two, if “shit, fuck, dammit, holy fuck, shit, shit, merde” counts as a thought.

The other, more developed thought, is “if you exist, dear God, please make sure the remote ended up under the wheels of a car”.

\---

Blaine is waiting for Wes to arrive for their monthly “Best Friends Get-Together To Eat and Get Gentlemanly Wasted” dinner, but once again, Wes is late.

This wouldn’t be a problem if Blaine had worn clothes suitable for the cold.

More accurately, this wouldn’t be a problem if the weather had not changed so drastically between the morning and the evening, going from a regular Fall day to what feels like an Arctic Winter evening.

To keep warm, Blaine decides to draw circles in front of the restaurant.

That’s honestly the only way he could have stumbled upon it.

The little black … thingy, looking like a lipstick but is not.

For the life of him, Blaine can’t figure out what it is and what it does.

“Hey, buddy, sorry I’m late!”

Wes is jogging up to him, so Blaine absentmindedly pockets the Thing to mock-glare at him.

“Let me guess, the subway was packed and the bus didn’t stop and aliens took over all the cabs in the city?”

Wes pauses and gives him a dirty look. “Hilarious, Anderson. Simply hilarious. You should have your own Netflix special.”

“I know, right?”

“In the investigation section.”

“Next time you are this late, and you leave me to wait in the cold, I might.”

Wes has the decency to look sheepish. “Really sorry, Bee. I just miscalculated the time I needed to get from the office, but now that I know, I won’t do that again.”

“Hm-hm. I know that tune, and you don’t carry it well.”

“First round of drinks on me?”

“Now you’re talking.”

They do get their first round of Old Fashioned--they always start with Old Fashioned, the supposed manliness of their drinks devolving as the night and their drunkenness progress--and barely get a sip before Wes’ phone rings.

Normally, he wouldn’t even glance at it, not on Best Friend night. But, as Blaine fully knows, Wes is getting married in the Spring and his bride-to-be wants the two of them to decide together for everything.

“I swear I told her not to call me tonight,” Wes cries.

“Answer her, you fool. Just make it quick.”

“You’re the best.”

“I am. The Best man, even.”

“I should marry you.”

“Nah, I can do better.”

“Yes, you can. I’ll be right back,” Wes adds with a peck to Blaine’s cheek.

Left at the bar on his own, Blaine sips his drink as he looks at the restaurant crowd.

It’s a Thursday night, so it’s a mixed one. Some coworkers getting a drink and meal together, some families having a quick bite before a play or a movie, Blaine assumes.

His eyes catch a man’s eyes across the room but, as attractive as the man may be, it’s Best Friends Night and brothers before lovers, as far as he’s concerned.

To spend the time, Blaine goes to get his own phone out of his pocket--he knows he can beat that Balls Crusher level if he applies himself to it--but his fingers find the little black Thing from before instead.

Ah, he may as well try to figure out what it is.

It’s really an innocent looking device, from all angles.

Oh, is that a button?

\---

God bless his father for having a lot to tell him. That way, Kurt can only pay him half of his attention and let his imagination run wild.

What if someone found the remote.

What if someone stole the remote and thus knows it’s his.

What if--

Oh, that guy on the mezzanine is cute. His boyfriend should not leave him unattended to take a phone call.

Back to his imagination.

What if--

Oh no.

No.

“Kurt, are you okay?”

“Y-yeah, yeah, sorry, I just--swallowed the wrong way.”

Carole pats his hand and returns her attention to his father and his story about how Greg decided to support his daughters in their rebellion against school dress codes by coming to the garage dressed like them.

(Which is a story Kurt really should listen to, given that Greg’s daughters are seven and Greg is a 6”3, 400 pounds Scottish guy.)

Holy shit the vibrator is  _ powerful _ .

Okay, okay, it’s fine.

Kurt is fine.

He can manage.

Poker face, poker face, he needs his poker face.

_ Po-po-po-po-po poker face, nah nah nah nah … _

“Please tell me you have pictures.”

His father beams at him. “‘Course I do. Here it is … Come on, bud, lean over the table!”

Externally, Kurt rolls his eyes and smiles before coming closer to look at his dad’s phone.

Internally (no pun intended), he’s in Hell.

A delicious hell, because, well, it is ultimately a pleasure-bringing device he is wearing, but that pleasure is almost entirely tempered by the possible humiliation this situation is leading to.

Ah, blessed be whatever, it stops.

Kurt relaxes slightly, but only just.

Because that means someone found it and he’s in trouble.

\---

“Sorry for that, I told her not to call again and she promised to leave us alone. Honestly, napkin picking can wait for another day.”

“Very serious business, napkins. Are we talking colors or fabrics or …?”

Wes takes a large gulp of his drink to catch up with Blaine’s intake. “I can’t tell if you’re making fun of us or not anymore. It’s eerie.”

“Would I make fun of you, Wes? Would I?”

“You would. You so would.”

Blaine shrugs. “I would. I so would. But, not in this instance. I’m genuinely curious about the matter at hand.”

“Sustainability, is the matter at hand, if you must know. But,” Wes pauses and finishes his drink, “I need more alcohol in me before discussing the pros and cons of telling my nana to clean her hands with recycled leaves.”

“And I need some nachos to munch on while you tell the tale.”

“Good idea. Your pick this time, Bee.”

Blaine considers his options.

“Time for some  [ Jack Frosts ](http://www.cocktailtimes.com/whiskey/jack_manhattan.shtml) .”

“Coming right up.”

As Wes moves to the bar to make their order, Blaine returns his attention to the black thingy.

To his great disappointment, pushing the button didn’t open it, codex-style. As a matter of fact, nothing happened, really.

Maybe he needs to press the button a little bit harder?

Oh it moved upward, interesting.

\---

Holy motherfucking shit on a spiked heel.

If it were in a (very) different setting, Kurt would love that kind of stimulation, but as it is … no. Just no.

Absolutely not.

He cannot, he will not come in his pants in public.

_ Okay, Kurt, cooling thoughts, Greg in his tutu, Coach Sylvester kissing Mr Shue, ew, Ms Rhodes squeezing Kurt’s butt … _

Ah, good combo to keep everything under contr--

Ooooooooh no.

Kurt can’t help the half-groan, half-whine that comes out of his mouth.

His father looks up in alarm. “Everything okay, son?”

“Yeah, yeah, yes, Dad, everything is just … peachy. It’s this, um, salad, it’s probably the best salad I’ve ever had, ya know?”

“Your salad.”

“Uh-huh.”

His father raises his eyebrows and exchanges a dubious look with Carole, but they both return to their meals.

Good thing they are used to Kurt being odd with food.

The moment the vibrations stop as abruptly as they started, Kurt feels like he could weep of relief.

Santana will have hell to pay for putting him through this shit.

\---

“Blaine, what is that?”

Blaine pushes the button again--no matter how hard he pushed, nothing happened--and smiles at Wes.

“I don’t know, I found it earlier, while I was waiting for you.”

“May I see it?”

“Sure,” Blaine trades the Thingy for his drink and takes an enjoyable sip. Hm-hm-hm.

Wes observes the thing, rolling it in his hands. “It’s odd, I feel like I’ve seen like this before …”

“Really? So you know what it is?”

Wes drinks some of his cocktail, frowning. “I should, but I can’t put my finger on it.”

“Darn it.”

A couple of seconds pass by, and Blaine is about to ask Wes about the Infamous Napkins when Wes’ eyes widen suddenly.

“Fuck!”

“Beg your pardon?”

“I know what this thing is!”

“Oh? Come on, it’s been killing me!”

Wes looks back at Blaine in alarm. “Tell me you just wondered about it and you didn’t press the buttons.”

“What?”

“Blaine please.”

“Fuck, Wes, you know me, since when have I been able to resist the call of buttons?”

“Oh, no.”

“Wes, what is this thing?”

Blaine’s mind rushes to very odd places.

What if it’s a detonator? What if he released an army of rats onto the city? What if he unknowingly opened the Hoover dam?

“It’s part of--,” Wes stops, leaning over the table to whisper, “it’s part of a sex toy.”

“A what?!”

“Shhhhhh! It’s, like, the remote part of a remote-controlled toy. Could be vibrating panties, could be a vibrator, period, but that means that someone in this restaurant has been, um, sexually aroused at your hand. Literally.”

Blaine drops his head to the table. “Oh God.”

“You didn’t know?”

“If I knew, do you really think I would have fiddled with it?”

“Hey, for all I know, you have a secret boyfriend and you decided to be kinky!”

“Wesley!”

“No judging here, as long as there is consent.”

“Warbler Montgomery, kindly shut the fuck up.”

“So no secret boyfriend.”

“No.”

“Just a random sex toy.”

“Yep.”

“Ah!”

They both turn their heads toward the shouting without thinking. It’s the guy Blaine saw earlier, red-faced and even slightly sweaty, hands clutching the table like a life-line.

“Hum, Blaine?”

“Did you turn it off when you handed it to me?”

“... Can’t recall.”

“I think we found the … recipient.”

“Shit.”

Wes turns the remote off and cocks his head to the side. “He’s cute.”

Blaine drops his head to the table. “Sure.”

“You should go give this man his remote back.”

“Right. ‘Cause that’s not creepy at all. ‘Hey, man, sorry to bother you during your dinner, I have been unknowingly playing with your prostate. Want to grab some coffee sometimes?”

“Hey, at least he’ll know you have his pleasure at heart.”

“Wes. Not funny.”

Wes starts giggling. “He won’t have any doubt about your ability to give him what he needs.”

“Wes, you’re being obnoxious and vulgar.”

“When you two get married, can I talk about the way you met?”

“Ookay, no more drinks for you.” Blaine stands from the table. “The man just went to the bathroom, I’m going to give it back like I just found it. You order some water and more food to get your brain unpickled.”

“Yessir.”

Blaine makes his way to the bathroom, but the door opens just as he goes to pull it open.

“Oh, um, sorry.”

“Sorry, sorry.”

Of course he nearly brained himself and the Cute Secretly Kinky Guy.

“I, uh, I think I found something you lost.”

The guy looks at the remote with wide eyes before snatching it and putting it in his jacket’s inner pocket.

Blaine absolutely blames the barman for the way his eyes follow the stretch of the shirt material over the man’s chest.

“This is so embarrassing,” the guy mutters, wiping his hand over his face.

“No, no, please, don’t be embarrassed.” Blaine hesitates before putting his hand on the man’s arm. “There is nothing to be embarrassed here.”

The man manages to glare at him while raising an eyebrow. “Really.”

“Really. Nothing shameful about a healthy sex life.”

The man groans. “It’s not--it’s not a statement on my sex life, Mister …?”

“Anderson. Blaine. Hi.”

Blaine wants to smack himself over the head for stumbling through his own words, but the guy relaxes just a bit so there’s that.

“Hi. Kurt Hummel.”

“As odd as it may be, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Kurt.”

They shake hands before each taking a step back.

“I should let you get back to your date,” Kurt says, glancing toward Blaine’s table.

Ah, so Blaine is not the only one who was impressed from a distance.

“Date? Oh, no, it’s our Best Friends night, that’s all.”

Kurt relaxes into a smile. “Ah?”

“Ah.”

“I have to return to my parents,” Kurt continues, “but if you hang around the bar, maybe we could continue this conversation then?”

“S-sure.”

Kurt’s smile widens as he passes by Blaine, looking over his shoulder one more time before sitting down at the table where his father, Blaine supposes, leans forward and says something that makes the back of Kurt’s neck turn red.

Blaine sighs happily to himself before turning back to Wes.

As he gets to their table, he slides his hands in his pockets.

Only to find a certain black device back in it.

He quickly glances toward Kurt’s table, only to find Kurt looking at him with a secret smile.

When their eyes meet, Kurt winks.

He may be the one with the remote, but Blaine is the one being played--and he loves it.


End file.
